I have some Big News.
No, I’m not pregnant.
In a shocking turn of events, I have some exciting news that’s not related to my uterus. It’s been really hard not to mention it here, but I’ve held off on blogging about it until I’d told my family and friends, and I wanted to tell them all in person wherever possible. Weirdly, my eldest sister somehow managed to guess my news before I’d even told her I had news – I have no idea how. However, she did this via text just days before I was due to go and visit her in person to do the telling, so I refused to confirm her suspicions. Although I did make quite clear that I definitely wasn’t pregnant.
So she decided that she was going to imagine what my news could possibly be, then send me suggestions until I relented and told her.
Here’s what her guesses were. These are all exactly as I received them.
1. You and S have got a pet armadillo from the pet rescue centre and you have to save up to buy it [whatever armadillos eat].
2. You have both decided to work as missionaries in the Far East for a year.
3. You are setting up an interior design business based around recycled and repurposed materials painted in Annie Sloan Chalk Paints.
4. You have got funding for a start-up based on an app that advises people with red-green colour blindness whether their colour choice in clothes is advisable when they’re getting dressed in the morning.
5. You have been offered a job as aide to Hillary Clinton provided she wins the US election and that’s why you can’t tell me right now (sidenote: sadface).
6. S has been offered the chance to be an astronaut and go into space to study what happens to fruit flies when they don’t know which way is up (context: S worked with fruit flies as part of his PhD).
7. S has given up his job to write his book full time, which will be about clockmaking in the 18th century.
8. You have decided to buy Daddy’s car from Mummy and refurbish it as a peripatetic pet grooming parlour. (Context: my Mum has been trying to sell my Dad’s car recently, he doesn’t need it any more on account of having passed away last year).
9. You have decided to purchase a mid-Victorian parsonage and lovingly restore it to its former glory using only authentic materials and equipment. No plastic. No electronics. No power tools. Contractors are instructed that on no account can they listen to any music composed after 1853. Hipster beards allowed on basis that they are quite retro really.
At this point I was rolling around in bed laughing, and stood no chance of going to sleep at all. So I joined in with a few of my own:
10. I have developed a fledgeling online business selling monogrammed pyjamas for toddlers and have been approached by Debenhams to set up an in-store Christmas concession.
11. S has been discovered by scouts for The Voice whilst playing the guitar at church. He will be on the next season but we’re contractually unable to disclose how far he got.
12. S has reverted to his pirate roots and we’re running away to sea. We have been preparing by living on hard tack and weevils for the past 2 months.
In the morning, my sister took up the baton once again:
13. S has taken over all the Pokémon gyms in Bedford and is now setting up as the local Boss.
14. You want to get one of those growing turf/wildflower roof things for your house, and are planning how to convince the landlord it’s a good idea.
15. You have just become national champion in Pétanque.
So there you have 15 pieces of news which are not my Big News. Do you have any guesses? The more ridiculous the better.
P.S. No, I did not give in and tell her the news via text. She waited until the weekend.